Author Archives: Fake Movie Critic

Video Game, the Video Game: The Movie

We’ve all heard of movies that are based on video games, and even video games that are based on movies, and you might be thinking to yourself “oh, this is probably a video game based on a video game based on a movie and also I really have to pee” but you’d be wrong. Not only wrong because you just wet your pants while reading this review you sicko, but also because this movie has nothing to do with the concept that is in your head.

Volleyball Kid 2

In Volleyball Kid 2, D&CP have enlisted the talents of former child starts Ralph Macchio and Mary-Kate Olsen. Together they play the parents of an extremely angry fourteen year old boy named “Angry Dan” (seriously, even his parents call him that) who must learn the lost art of hitting volleyballs really hard to control his anger and save the planet or something, I fell asleep at the beginning for a few minutes.

Power Outage

Power Outage is about a character with a slew of electricity based oddities barely interesting enough to work on a Saturday morning cartoon villian. The movie has everything that nobody ever wanted: the humor of a bad sketch show, the action of a large, drowsy animal and a plot that rivals those of a Dan Brown on mescaline who has completely forgotten the concepts of pacing and structure.

Oh No You Don’t!

Here we have Leonard Stupivitz, and he has “oooh no you don’t!” And that’s literally all he has. For Leonard isn’t actually a character. He has no traits. He doesn’t even have a face. He’s played by five different actors throughout the film and even by a dog for a scene. We don’t even know his name until the second of five different credit sequences. Before any of the first four allows even one person to run out of the theater crying Leonard bursts onto the screen saying “oooh no you don’t!” and starts eating the credits, or lighting them on fire. I think during one credit sequence an usher just walked around smashing people in the head with a hammer. It was an interactive experience.

Colonel Kernel

The evil humans of the American Government are trying to ban high-fructose corn syrup. A group of corn ears from across the Corn Belt, led by the young but fierce Colonel Kernel band together to stop it. Reading this film’s premise, you could say that Pixar might be losing its touch, but then you’ll realize this is a DreamWorks picture and go back to reading your Hagar the Horrible​ comic.